I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
