I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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