this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
