I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
