Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
