he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
