omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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