the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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