Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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