My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
