Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
