I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
