I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just want nice things and good sex
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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