Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
