Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Your penis caused this!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
