Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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