I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
