these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
