Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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