somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
