All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
