Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
