She went from zero to smokin in five shots
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
