Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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