I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
