Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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