Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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