Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
