i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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