Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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