pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
