I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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