Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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