Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
