i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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