Define "chronic" masturbator.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
