When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
