I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
