Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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