when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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