some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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