No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
