Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize