The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
