if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
