Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
