dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
