Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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