I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize