I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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