I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
