What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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