I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
