He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
