Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
