haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
