I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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